Ruminations On A Baboon
Tim Sucks

Why do I hate Tim McCarver? Why would anyone like Tim McCarver?
Why this site? I just had to do something other than curse at my TV.

Game after endless game, the biggest braying blowhard in baseball blathers on and on. The fact that he doesn't know what he's talking about 99% of the time doesn't deter him. He'll go on and on about some minute point that nobody cares about hour after hour. He'll miss important plays while lecturing long-suffering listeners on the importance of the position of a pitcher's ring finger. Many times he'll even bring it up during the next game (even several more games!)

Those of you who don't live in the New York City area may be unaware that the odious McCarver was the announcer for the Mets for several years, thus giving Yankees fans additional reason to hate their crosstown rivals. Nevertheless, when his departure from the Mets was announced, it was met with great celebration by all baseball fans in the area. Can you imagine the unutterable horror therefore, on that sad day when it was announced the big windbag would be "announcing" for the Yankees? Grown men were seen to weep openly in the streets. Flags were flown at half mast and the incidence of suicide was at a record high.

Why does the greatest baseball organization in history allow this blathering baboon of dubious antecedents to be connected with their organization in any capacity other than janitor? Believe me, I've pondered upon this many times for many hours without answer. Perhaps Yankee attendance is at an all-time high due to the fans desire to see a game without having to listening to the baboon's endless and pointless verbal sewage. Clever fans have learned to watch the game on TV while listening to it on AM radio. Fortunately, the announcers there have genuine talent and ability, traits completely lacking in the despicable baboon. Unfortunately, this option is not available to tens of thousands of fans who are too far away to get the Yankees on radio. It also doesn't solve the problem of those nationally televised games the baboon "announces" which have no radio broadcasts.

I can't understand how Bobby Murcer puts up with the baboon. They must be paying him a fortune and supplying him with tranquilizers. Poor Murcer struggles to get a word in while the baboon prattles on. Time after time when Murcer does manage to say something, the baboon will contradict or "correct" him, only to be proved wrong every single time. I can only assume the baboon has an armed personal bodyguard to protect him at all times. This would also explain why the baboon hasn't already been strung up from the nearest tree by irate fans.

As a player, the baboon was below sub-par his entire career - a career which existed almost solely as the personal catcher of his pal, Steve Carlton. The baboon couldn't hit a cow in the ass with a shovel yet he goes on ad naseum on the hitting flaws of players whose jockstraps he is not fit to carry. The baboon couldn't field, couldn't catch anything smaller than a flying house some say, yet he blathers on and on about the fielding faults of players who, on their worst day, are ten times better than the baboon ever was. The baboon couldn't run - glacial would best describe his speed - and his stupidity on the basepaths is legendary yet he brays about the faults of runners who could run circles around him and steal more bases in a game than he did in his career.

Allow me to digress a moment to berate FOX sports. If ever a network knew absolutely nothing about producing baseball for TV, it's FOX. To me, the most annoying thing they do is that every time they show a replay or anything else, it's accompanied by a ridiculous, annoying "swoosh" sound both coming and going. Of course, their biggest sin is in employing the baboon. Strictly a bush league operation.

This season the baboon got a new toy, the telestrator - that gizmo which allows announcers to draw on the screen and is most useful in football. Of course, the simpleminded baboon has absolutely no idea how or, more importantly, when to use it and winds up drawing lines all over the screen for no useful purpose. Recently, the baboon used his new toy to show disgusted viewers the position of the various dents on Fenway Park's "Green Monster" left field wall - as if anyone cared!

Apparently the baboon seems to think that he's a radio broadcaster. Nothing else can explain why he sees fit to tell viewers exactly what they just saw! "That was a breaking ball down in the dirt. I'm sure he didn't plan that one!" brays the baboon - Gee, no kidding Tim? I thought it may have been Haley's Comet crashing to earth! Before you explained it, I thought it was the job of every pitcher to throw the ball into the dirt two feet in front of the batter! What would I do without you? Thank you so much for setting me straight!

The baboon is incorrigible. Even after he's proven wrong, he continues to blather on about the same thing. For example: For several games the baboon was braying on about baserunners not putting their hands on their knees while taking a lead. "Slows you down." babbled the baboon. Sure enough the first runner he was babbling about proceeded to steal second, then third - all the time taking his lead with his hands on his knees! As a matter of fact, every runner the baboon complained about managed to steal a base - something the baboon was rarely ever able to do. How Murcer refrained from pointing this out to the baboon, I'll never know. Too bad Bill White isn't still in the booth - he'd put an quick stop to the ravings of the big baboon. But maybe not, the big baboon will never admit he is wrong and appears incapable of keeping his mouth shut. Perhaps he needs pyschiatric help or, better yet, to have his lips sewn shut!

It's bad enough that the Yankees see fit to broadcast only a small percentage of their games on non-cable TV but now it's gotten to the point where I cringe every time I hear the big windbag open his mouth. I just know that the baboon is going to belabor some irrelevant point to death. Even on the extremely rare occassions where he actually does make a valid point, the baboon will never let it go, mindlessly babbling on about it inning after inning, causing fans to consider suicide or having red-hot pokers shoved in their ears as valid alternatives. The baboon is so full of himself, so arrogant and egotistical that he actually believes he's doing a good job. Guess again Tim - you are the worst announcer I've heard in any sport and I've been listening for more than 45 years!

The baboon is just such a stultifying simpleton, so mind-numbingly awful, so disgustingly dreadful, so wretchedly moronic, so incredibly incompetent, such a complete and utter abomination in the eyes of man and God that he may be able to accomplish what no other person has ever been able to do and, frankly, what was heretofore thought impossible - make Mets fans out of Yankees fans!

2004 Update
A lot of time has passed since I first started this page. I guess it has been somewhat of a success since the odious McCarver was given the heave-ho from the Yankees broadcast team. Unfortunately the scummy FOX network keeps him on for the game of the week and the post-season games, so he's still assaulting the eardrums of the baseball-loving public. Oldtime fans of this site may notice that it is at a new URL, this is because the McCarver faction got my GEOCITIES site shut down - UP YOURS GEOCITIES!

2013 Update
Hooray!!! This season will be the baboon's final season "anouncing". The people rejoice! But Tim McCarver sucks anyway!

2015 Update
The baboon got voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame as an announcer!!! What the fuck were they smoking? Who's next, Hawk Harrelson?

The McCarver Drinking Game
Here's how to play:
Get a bottle of your favorite booze and a shot glass and...
1: Drink every time Tim uses a multi-syllable word incorrectly.
2: Drink every time Tim states the obvious like it is a profound insight.
3: Drink every time Tim calls the play wrong.
4: Drink every time Tim gets a player's name wrong.
5: Drink every time one of Tim's inane comments is met with stony silence by the other broadcasters in the booth.
My guarantee is you'll be drunk by the bottom of the 1st inning!

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© 2001-2013 R.W. Finnan - All Rights Reserved
fuck you tim mccarver!
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